Letter From A One

Dear —-,

When you suddenly walked away from our relationship last June I was bewildered and confused at what had sparked your decision.  I now understand that at that time in your life you were afraid.  When you reached out to me several weeks later I was thrilled at the opportunity to continue our relationship, but it made me hold onto the anxiety at what may trigger another episode for you to bolt.  This became unnerving and my brain insisted on getting a guarantee from you because of that uncertainty.  This translated into my brain developing expectations for our personal relationship.

As part of your transformation, you expressed to me, more than once, of wanting to keep our relationship “light and fun.”  Remember, you had a head start on me in dealing with your inner feelings and retraining your brain to think differently than it had in the past.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have asked you to define what “light and fun” meant.  However, at the times you said it, I was too caught up in my own “expectations” of what I envisioned for our relationship that I mentally blocked out what you said.  Instead I interpreted it as not wanting a committed relationship. Remember what I said in my opening paragraph that after we got back together I held onto the anxiety at what may trigger another episode for you to bolt. So, instinctively my brain insisted on a trying to secure a guarantee from you which translated into my having expectations.

I have now learned that my having “expectations” in a personal relationship is a major obstacle I must and will overcome and is a problem for us number Ones.  We want to have everything defined and planned out.  This may be good for running a business, but terribly unfair and unhealthy in a personal relationship.  By blocking out what you said and/or not asking you to better define what you meant, I was incapable of truly understanding your feelings and wishes.  For that, I’m terribly sorry.

This now has been a revelation I had never before thought of, since expectations have always played a major role in my thinking in both business and personal relationships.  I’m just now beginning to grasp some of the really important facts on how my having personal expectations has affected the health of our wonderful relationship and the chances for it to continue to blossom.

Tuesday’s intervention with Sharon was an eye-opening experience, unlike any other.  It’s like a light was turned on inside my head once I realized what my expectations had caused and conveyed to you by conflicting with your feelings.  I now truly understand the importance of embracing the uncertainty and just going with the flow.  It will not be an easy transformation to put my personal expectations behind me and move forward, since they’ve been around my thinking for many years, but one I promise to always keep working towards achieving.  That much I can promise.

That said, I am now learning to embrace uncertainty, about easing the pain in my brain that comes from trying to control the uncontrollable, and about making my life more an enriching adventure than a continuous worry filled with uncontrollable personal expectations.

To compound this difficulty, we now live in a society that teaches us to grasp for control of everything – our careers, our relationships, our health, our money, and on and on. We insist that life be secure, safe, predictable and all good things.  As a result, we become uncomfortable, even panicked, about all the uncertainty in our lives.  After all, uncertainty implies “no control.”  I’m sure I’m not alone in not handling this reality of “no control” very well.  Just thinking about how my personal expectations affected you and our relationship has brought me to my knees.  I spent too much time worrying and trying to prevent the bad from happening (my yet unfulfilled expectation) that I didn’t focus more clearly and embrace the good that is being with you.

What I have now come to realize is it doesn’t have to be that way.  I don’t have to walk around with a dark cloud of unfilled personal expectations over my head.  Having a rich, joyous, wonderful, and even a “light and fun” life with you can exist in the presence of uncertainty.  That much I have now come to realize more than ever.

So, instead of trying to erase uncertainty from my brain and my person expectations, I am now focused instead on embracing uncertainty. Sounds strange even as I write this, but this will become my new reality moving forward.  What Sharon made me realized more than anything else, is that life doesn’t come with “guarantees.”  The simple truth I’ve now learned is that there is never a way to erase the uncertainty in any areas of our lives.

Neither one of us can predict or control how our relationship will turn out.  So, instead of having personal expectations for our relationship, which I have come to realize is uncontrollable since neither of us has no control of the future, can now be substituted with a healthy vision for our relationship not tied to any expectation.  I hope you grasp what I am saying because it’s important for me that you do.  My now deep acceptance that life is truly uncertain, will open the door for us to a more powerful and joyous way of co-existing as a couple.

With my realization of the fact that life is uncertain, I am no longer looking for “guarantees” from you.  That would be and was unrealistic, selfish and totally unhealthy for me to put on our relationship.  Instead, if you will have me back in your life, I will focus and look for all the valuable gifts you bring to my life every day and in all that happens to us. Without having a guarantee, I will embrace and look to the wonderment as to how things will unfold for us.  Without the pressure of my brain telling me I need a guarantee, I will now choose to live with a sense of excitement and the possibly about all the uncertainties our lives may hold together.

This transformation in my way of thinking will of course take some getting used to, as my brain has been programmed to think differently.  But, I know that I am in control of this magical new journey and it is my deepest wish to share this journey with you.

With much affection,

——