Break Out of the Box : Enneagram Type 2 — The Conscious No

This series is dedicated to illustrate and explore every day human communications.  It is my desire that hearing the breakthrough experiences of others will present an insight or opening in how you can create conscious communications with everyone in your life.

Here are some insights from my work with my clients who have the Enneatype structure 2: The Helper.  They look for love, recognition, and acceptance through giving and doing things for others, which can create resentment, anger, and pulling away from relationships, especially when they don’t get something in return. To help break this pattern of the structure, a powerful practice for the Type 2 in their journey to embrace their own individuality and self care, is to learn and use what I call, the Conscious No.

You might have or be blessed with having a Type 2 in your life.  This is the person who knows what is needed before anyone else, being super tuned-in to other’s feelings and needs.  They are always ready with their time and talents and are the first to step up when the call for help goes out.  Whether it is baking an additional 4 dozen cupcakes for the party the next day, or taking on extra car-pooling shifts, they are always saying “Yes”.  If you are in a Type 2’s close circle of friends or family, you will be showered with gifts, praise and attention.  This Type becomes known as the person who will not say no to any request and is thus asked relentlessly to come to the rescue.  This Type will give and give and give, at the expense of their own health and happiness, which is what this type needs to focus on for balance and to develop their own sense of value through self-nurturing and self-care.

Even though the practice of the Conscious No is especially powerful for the Type 2, this can be used by anyone who has difficulty saying no to a request made of them.

The Scenario: Visualize the person who always asks you last minute for a favor.  See them standing in front of you.  For our purposes, let’s call her Katie.  She wants you to cover the volunteer shift she signed up for.  Katie cannot do it because she double-committed herself and she says she can’t cancel.  It is this Saturday afternoon.  You feel yourself tighten up because you have to write a paper for class that is due that same night, but your little voice is saying, “if you don’t say yes, Katie will be upset and not want you for a friend.” Or, “You should agree, then she will have to say yes when you ask her to watch your dog next week.”

You agree, only to be told after you say you need her to watch your dog that she can’t.  Your body gets tighter and grips your insides as you feel disgusted for making this promise and even worse, the bind you’re now in with getting your paper done on time.  “Why can’t I just say no?”  Beat, beat, beat…goes the stick of self-judgment.

How can you respond differently, in a way that nurtures you and doesn’t jeopardize your friendships?

The first step when approached to do something, is to learn to quickly determine whether it is something you really want to do, is enjoyable for you, and that you wish to do it for the reason that it brings you joy, that it nurtures you.  It could very well be that your absolute favorite thing to do is to bake cupcakes, no matter the time of day.  Develop an awareness in you that can spot what your motive is to saying yes.  If it is to get something in return, that in itself warrants inquiry and is another topic for discussion.

If the request sounds like fun, and you really enjoy the activity and have the time, say yes!  Embrace it with the contagious happiness that is so natural for you.

If it is something that does not nurture you, you don’t want to do, and you feel your body get tight…take a deep breath and with love in your heart say, “Thank you for thinking of me.  I am going to have to decline.  Please remember me next time around, I love helping you when I can”.

It will be uncomfortable, it will feel crappy and downright scary the first few times you do this.  I suggest you practice saying no to little requests first.  That way you will have some training and be more confident when that REALLY BIG ASK comes along.  And it will.

 

If it is causes too much anxiety and stress to say no to someone’s face, all you have to do is give yourself some time.  There is no rule that says you MUST respond immediately to a request.  Say something like, “Thank you for thinking of me.  I think I have something going at that time and need to check my calendar.  When do you need to know?”   Now you have put some space in between you and the “no”.  Later, in the comfort of your home, you can call the person back and with love in your heart say, “Thank you for thinking of me.  I am going to have to decline.  Will you remember me next time around? I love helping you when I can.”

You might get push back, remember, you have ALWAYS said yes before and this might take some people by surprise.  With a calm voice, say “I am not available, please ask me again when something comes up and you need help.  I gotta run, talk to you soon.”

This Conscious No practice supports the Type in their authentic nature of generous giving.  The slight shift happens when the “no” is said in honesty and lovingly, that the request is not for them, yet it does not shut the door to the person, or for future requests.  This is important, as the little voice will make it impossibly painful to go through with saying no.

Remember the practice is to get in touch with your needs, your health and happiness, for balance and to develop your own sense of value through self-nurturing and self-care.