Break Out of the Box – Enneatype Four: The Emotional Perfectionist

This series is dedicated to illustrate and explore every day human communications.  It is my desire that hearing the breakthrough experiences of others, that it will present an insight or opening in how you can create conscious communications with everyone in your life.

A dear friend of mine happens to have the Enneatype Structure Four: The Individualist.

In working with her, I have come to appreciate this type and how they immerse themselves to fully engage in a deep emotional way and her desire to inspire authentic emotional expression in others.  She is my greatest champion and advocate.  I dedicate this Break Out of The Box in her honor.

This type is committed to feeling anything and everything, not shying away from pain, loss, despair, joy or ecstasy.  Fours show what they feel and it takes tons of courage to do so.  Fours are natural individualists; they expose what is real, always on the lookout for love and searching for the deeper meaning to life.  They can be a role model for others to express more openly through their example.  In relationships, their hope is to captivate others, draw them in and cause others to seek them out.  They are motivated to avoid being seen as ordinary or average.  Four’s long to be recognized, appreciated, and adored for their beauty; they are deep, creative and emotionally intense.

My friend was committed to healing a pattern she identified as a predominate energy causing a lot of pain in her life in intimate relationships.  As we worked through a recent breakup, she shared, “I’ve always had a propensity towards the “bad” boys. I believed I could convince them that I am a great person and that I’m a great catch!  I was willing to work with them (looking constantly at the ideal picture in my head) to show them that I am the perfect person for them and this could be my “perfect” relationship!   THE ANSWERS TO ALL MY DREAM…AT LAST!”

The overarching reason I use the Enneagram is the accuracy as to how the type structure operates in everyday life.  In communications, each type has their own unique vocabulary when describing their experiences, as you will see.  These insights into one’s blind spots and automatic responses can quantum leap a person’s personal development work.  The Enneagram shows what each type holds as beliefs in the subjective mind.  I know of no other tool that does this so completely, in essence creating a personal map one can immediately apply.

The parental orientation of the Four has a lot to do with how an adult Four shows up in relationships.  The disconnect from their parents produces a longing for the “good parent”—the person who will see them as they truly are and validate the self they are trying to construct. Fours usually experience this as a longing for an ideal mate or partner. They will often project this role onto new acquaintances, idealizing them and fantasizing about the wonderful life they will have together. This is exactly what my friend was describing that was repeatedly happening in her relationships.

Unfortunately, as Fours get to know the person better, they become disenchanted, realizing that the other is not the “good parent” who will rescue them from all their problems. He or she is just another human being with flaws and shortcomings. The other’s “blemishes” soon become the focus of the Four’s attention, and they lose interest in the person. Before long they are back to their search and fantasizing again, but generally with less hope of finding the person “of their dreams.”

Continuing with my friend’s story, she shares, “That behavior started very, very young with my father and still has been playing out in my head all these years!  The entire time my father was alive I continually tried to get him to see what a beautiful, caring, loving, bright daughter he had!  But no matter what I did, his opinion or actions towards me never changed. I have been living with this deep unresolved pain for all these years!  He was not able to give me his unconditional love or support during his life.  He never saw or experienced the beautiful, wonderful little girl I was…with such a bright and beautiful spirit!”

What occurs for the Four as they emerge from childhood, they do not identify with either their mother or their father.  “I am not like my mother; I am not like my father,” they will vehemently claim.  They felt that their parents did not see them as they actually were, or that what their parents conveyed to them was somehow irrelevant.

My friend’s work resulted in a major break in a prolonged repeated pattern that showed up in all her intimate relationships.   She powerfully expresses her insight and now is moving towards releasing a painful limiting belief, “I’ve had a picture in my mind my entire life and I suddenly realized that picture doesn’t exist!   No one is perfect, no one comes without warts.  It’s all about loving yourself enough that you can truly love another and you need to do this without a picture of how that looks!  We are living each day one day at a time and creating how it looks and feels each day.  And each day that could change but it’s OK!  Change doesn’t have to be good or bad…it’s just change.”

How many of you are experiencing less than joyful, successful relationships?  I invite you to visit my website for more in my Break Out of the Box Series and for other resources like determining your own Enneagram Type, to get you started.  While you are there, drop me a note.  I would love to hear from you.  Till next time, be well.